I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
