i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
