I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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