People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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