what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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