Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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