New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
