i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
