Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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