fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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