I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
