True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
