i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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