I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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