You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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