My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
