So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
and you fell through a lawn chair
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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