So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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