Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
