I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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