Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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