He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
