I love having hate sex.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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