We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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