I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
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we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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