There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
