my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
