Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
