she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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