saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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