I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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