dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
