Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
