You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
