Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
