It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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