i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
