I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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