Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
