why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
