I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
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Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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