Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
