Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
