i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
