It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
