Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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