he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
