Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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