like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
