:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
