My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
