Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
