I accidentally had phone sex last night
im drinking this country out of the recession.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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