sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
