If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
